the luminous outset became the interminable middle

It's my day off. My most open free day of the week. I had planned to hike Silver Star mountain with Tyler. See some beloved bear grass. Inhale its indescribably perfect scent.

But my foot hurts too much. I can't walk without a lot of pain, sometimes a limp. There will be no hiking today, alas. I had tried to trick myself into believing wearing softer shoes would make it okay, but even my recovery slippers are painful.

I can try again next week. It won't be so hot.

I have a beautiful cozy home and part of me just wants to curl up in bed and not do anything.

But I will try to do a gentle bike ride, and finish cleaning, do vacuum and catch up on laundry, hang some art.

I desperately need to catch up on ordering, too, and my website could use some love. Things that would be worth doing on a hot day.

I could also try to grab one more bin out of the garage, maybe donate something. Eric wants to come get the window unit a/c today, that'll be helpful, one more thing not taking up space.

I need to pay rent and get quarterlies situation and I just found a $500 bill from the doctor appt for my high risk breast cancer intake appt. So I have lots to keep me occupied and not bored.

I wonder if Karissa might be up for mid-week happy hour or something, it might be nice to have a little cheering up.

It's so frustrating that I've made such an indescribably beautiful life for myself and I feel so so so so so so sad. I keep eating "elevate" gummies to try to fix it, but I think it's just candy. Which maybe is okay.

I could try swimming today, hm. Or even soaking, I love soaking on hot days. (I'm weird.)

I think my anemia is kicking in from going veg. Today is elk burger day. It's been a while. It's overdue.

I could try to go back to supplementing floradix. It's maybe better than meat eating. As much as I (and my tummy) dislike it.

So many things are going right.

The jasmine is so fragrant, I am delighted. There are flowers and swallowtail butterflies.

Maybe a visit to the coffee shop is in order, I miss that place. I rarely drink my precious almond milk lattes anymore, I miss them. I had one last week and it was absolute heaven.

I think I can find some happiness; maybe I do have more control of this than I am leading myself to believe.

There is so much weighing me down from my past, but the past is not here. I am a different person. My therapist says I have to let the old person die, but that doesn't resonate with me. More like, she deserves a good retirement, with a lot of rest and cozy blankets and comfort movies and music, and I can take over the job of running my life, going forward.